Whats your favorite viral YouTube video?
... probably DOCTOR BEEEEEEES by Harry Partridge. Unless that doesn't count as viral, just terminal and infectious.
Who was your first celebrity crush?
Britneh Speahs. I aint proud.
If you could deliver a speech to the entire world, what would you say?
Get into space, colonize, and be ready for the inevitable exctinction event that hits earth. You idiots. Seriously, please.
How would you describe yourself in three words?
The Dude Abides
Whats the wildest thing youve ever done in a hotel room?
I don't think sex counts as wild in a hotel room, but that's it.
Would you go streaking across a football field during a game for a million dollars knowing theres a 50/50 chance youll get arrested for indecent exposure?
Totally. Indecent exposure is not a million dollar fine, and who couldn't use a million minus lawyer's fees?
Whats the worst job you've ever had?
Trendy eco-friendly toy-store. So many bad parents with money, so many spoiled childrens.
What's the worst thing you ever did as a child and what was your punishment?
I can't remember much of that nature, but probably something involving breaking something? And probably the confiscation of my plastic swords?
If you were in a witness protection program, what would be your new name and where would you go?
Ishmael Redford, and I would go to Australia. The venomous species will protect me.
If you were president for the day, what one thing would you change about the country?
I would make failure to settle differences and actually pass laws within a short timeframe a hanging offense for Congress/Parliament, at the discretion of the citizenry with no electoral representative voters involved in the decision.
Try failing to pass a budget NOW, jerkwads. Enjoy your not-living.
If you could choose your age forever, what age would you choose and why?
Physically, twenty-five. Maximum beard, minimum balding. Mentally, probably still a well-read teenager.
If you inherited a single room off-the-grid cabin in the woods, would you be excited or disappointed?
If I got the land it was on too? Goddamn ecstatic. If not, less ecstatic. Still great though.
Describe your own personal hell.
You know that feeling when you lose a loved one, can't do anything about it, and then blame yourself for the loss anyways? That.
If you could be on the cover of any magazine which one would you choose?
Playboy, 100%. Final answer.
Describe your perfect sandwich.
A reuben, made with a quarter pound of lean corned beef, just the right amount of Russian dressing, nicely melted swiss, good saurkraut, and THIN seeded rye bread. Still hot, but not so hot that it burns your tongue as you enjoy that sucker.
What are two things you would do if you woke up to find yourself completely invisible?
First I would test to see if clothing became invisible when worn on my person, and if things became invisible when in my mouth.
Then I would probably commit the kinkiest/least comfortable thefts ever.
Would you rather be a judge or a lawyer?
Does Judge Dredd count as a Judge? Because that totally influences my answer.
If you were in the circus what kind of performer would you be? (Clown, tight-rope walker, etc)
Pfft, performer. I'd be the ringmaster.
Who is the most famous person you have ever met?
The lead from the Social Network, if by "met" you mean "served a sandwich to one time".
What famous artist, dead or alive, would you want to paint your portrait?
Stevie Wonder, but my portrait would be painted in sound rather than a physical medium.