If you could got back in time 1,000 years, what year would you visit?
What two languages would you like to be fluent in?
Spanish and Mandarin.
Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? Why?
It's a tie between Patton Oswalt and John Mulaney. Neither of them have tried to weaponize their own cocks(that I know of.)
What is something you are currently obsessed with?
What is the strangest thing you've ever eaten?
Foie-Gras. It's basically meat-butter.
Who would you hate to see naked?
Either of my parents.
If you were in a witness protection program, what would be your new name and where would you go?
Blinko Cheesewhistle, and I'd move to Scotland.
If you found out you were the direct descendant of a king or queen, would that boost your self esteem or have no affect on you at all?
It depends on if they left me any money, land, titles or real estate. If not, then no. I also wouldn't go around telling people about it, because people that constantly tell you about their ancestors or who they were in a past life sound like idiots to me.
What phobias have you overcome in your lifetime?
Spiders, kind of.
Would you become a professional bank robber if you knew you would never get caught?
Absofuckinglutely. I would only rob large banks, no credit unions.
Have you ever chased down an ice cream truck as an adult?
No, because I'm an adult with a car. I can just go buy ice cream whenever I want. What adult chases down a goddamned ice cream truck?
If you could start a collection of one kind of item, what would it be?
Rare, valuable books.
Have you ever pooped your pants? (not including when you were a baby)
No, because shitting in an alleyway is always an option.
If you were offered the position of mayor of your city, would you take it?
If I were offered actual power, then yes. If it was like an honorary thing, then I'd decline politely.
On a scale from 1-10 whats the highest level of pain youve ever been in?
10. This is a ridiculous question.
Would you dress in drag for $25?
No, it isn't something I'm even remotely interested in.